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the second job

August 14, 2013

I am struggling right now, torn between keeping my self esteem intact and being disgusted with myself, between knowing what is good for me and wanting to do anything and everything to change something I don’t like.

Recently, I got pictures of myself that someone else had taken, that I had no say in the posing or focus of and it showcased something I’ve been actively denying.

It took me so very long to come to a place where I could love myself, where I could see beauty in myself and that voice inside me that tells me all the myriad things wrong with me can still be so strong that I fight not to give it a voice.

I try to focus on being happy.  On being healthy.  And yes, on some level I know that means losing weight, but the weight loss is meant to be secondary.

When I get photos taken of me, I tend to keep them focused chest level and above.  I’m comfortable with that.

However, in this set of pictures from my weekend in Dallas, there are several full body shots that show case the one part of my body I ignore the most.  My belly.

Those images belay the one in my mind.  They show me that this has gotten out of control, that the work I’ve been doing to eat healthy and all that have been less than effective.  It reminds me of how long it’s been since I’ve managed to get to the gym.

Almost 3 months now.  I always mean to…but when I got the new job it messed with my schedule.  Then I got sick.  And my back acted up.  And the last thing I want to do when I get home after an 8 hour day, plus commute, is change my clothes and go to the gym.

I kept saying that I’d get back to it when I’d settled into my schedule.  Except that I haven’t.  You’d think that at least on the days when I work from home I wouldn’t have any excuse….and yet…

And, when I’m not exercising, I’m more likely to eat badly.  Not sure why that is, just that it is.

So now I need to find my way back to a place where I’m doing the right things, not obsessively losing myself into bad behaviors driven by weight loss and not because someone wants me to or because I hate myself.

I can start right now.  I can get off this computer and put on some sweats and go to the gym and spend a half hour walking.  I can come home and clean out my fridge of things I know better than to eat.  I can set my alarms again to eat something small every 3 hours.

My goals can’t be numbers.  So they will be making the walk from BART to work easier and being able to take the BART stairs rather than the escalator and being more comfortable in my clothes.

It’s time to reinvest in small bags and cups to hold small servings of veggies and yogurt and packing a lunch.  It’s time to stop eating the free food at work just because it’s convenient and remembering to drink the free water rather than the Coke Zero…especially because I don’t even really like the Coke Zero.

It is so much work.  Like a whole second job really. 

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