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tears in my eyes

February 22, 2013

Like most Pagans, I love my Mother, the Earth. I love flowers and trees, fruits and vegetables and I have something of a green thumb.

Unfortunately, I also have allergies that prevent me from actually enjoying the beautiful, growing things of this world.

To the degree that I can not garden at all anymore. Even mowing the lawn will send me to the ER. When the landscaping people are at my apartment complex, I have to make sure I’m shut in good.

In fact, I can not really enjoy outdoor activities at all from about the middle of February through sometime in September. One of the few downfalls for me of living here in California is that there are green growing things all year round.

In order to participate in anything that happens outdoors I have to take large quantities of allergy medication (and carry Benedryl on me for emergencies), and the fog that leaves me in does not lend itself to participation in ritual at all.

I think this, more even than my agoraphobia issues, is what leads me to a solitary practice. There was a time when I was planning a shamanic retreat for up to ten people, that would involve a lot of journey work, drum circles, and a lot of time outdoors. Not so much anymore. I’d still love to do it, but I would need an indoor facility to pull it off.

I can’t journey with any allergy meds in my system. I just can’t make the connections, can’t focus on what I’m doing.

It’s sad really, I miss the feeling of earth on my hands, miss watching the flowers and vegetables in my gardens grow.

Even being careful, I’ve already started the period of the year where I look like I’m crying all the time. My eyes are red and gummy and they itch like crazy. There are tears in my eyes almost all the time.

Funny thing is, at the same time I’m very aware of a tender emotional state. Actual tears not caused by allergies are very close to the surface. Tears of happiness, tears of joy, tears of pain, tears of sorrow. It doesn’t take much.

I miss the outdoors, I do. I wish I could join the world out there, enjoy the bounties our planet is replete with…but a day spent in a garden isn’t worth the night spent in the ER.

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