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open doors

August 11, 2010

My week in Hawaii was amazing.  We traveled as cheaply as we could, considering.  The hotel and car were paid for, so that just left food and such.

We spent a day in this little village talking to the locals.  We walked out to watch the lava flow.  We splurged and went to a luau. We visited a commune on the other side of the island where a friend of a friend of my traveling companions was staying.  There we had dinner, and talked with folks.  The commune was hosting a gay mens retreat and they had a costume party in which your costume had to come from the natural world surrounding the commune.

They were funny and amazing and after dancing for a while and getting body paint, we headed off to a point overlooking the ocean.  It was Samhain (Halloween for those who don’t know), and we intended to have a small ritual honoring those who had died on 9/11.

It wasn’t overly formal, all five of us on that cliff side came from different traditions, so we kept to very simple framework and a little meditation, and speaking the names of the dead.  We then all separated some to have some alone time.

The moon above was full and huge and bright.  Below me the ocean sang to the rocks.  The smell of exotic flowers surrounded me.  I stood alone and felt an amazing peace steal over me.  The feeling I had come to call the touch of the Divine filled me and I felt small and yet so much a part of everything…it’s a hard feeling to describe.  But to this day, nine years later, I can recall that moment with utter clarity.

Eventually we had to come home, of course, and things continued to go downhill in every way but spiritually.  I ended up giving up my apartment to move in with my brother and his family while I continued looking for work.  I finally found a job,making much, much less than before, but it was a decent job with the opportunity to go back to school.

Five years later, I had a degree in Business Management and I was once again in the market for a new job.  Another layoff, another crisis…but just as the unemployment was running out, I found the job I currently hold, and after a brief delay due to surgery, I moved back out on my own.

Today I have an altar in my living room that changes with the seasons and my mood.  I do not belong to any organized coven or grove or what have you, though I am a member of the Pagan Alliance.  My faith in what I believe is strong, but not unshakable.  My practice of that faith is private.  I’m still mostly shamanic in my approach to deity and ritual.

I am open about who I am, and this blog pushed open the last doors in that regard.  I am currently not engaged in any relationships, though if one came along that fit into my world, I think I’d like that.  I am not the most politically active individual in the world, but I have opinions and certain issues will get a response from me.

I have a cat and an unhealthy love of all things Christian Kane and Jeffery Dean Morgan.  I make a little extra money writing gay erotica.  I have friends who are amazing and come from all walks of life, a dozen different religions and various stops on the political spectrum, not to mention various places on the rainbow that is gender and sexual identity.

Where we go from here is uncharted territory.

One Comment leave one →
  1. Kim permalink
    August 11, 2010 5:03 pm

    It has been fascinating, reading about your spiritual journey and how much you’ve learned about yourself and the world. Looking forward to reading more of your uncharted journey.

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