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the more things change…

August 8, 2010

Needless to say, as I took this journey to understand myself and what I believed and how to express that belief, other things changed for me as well.

Over time I came to a place where I could actually look at myself in the mirror.  I discovered I had made friends, lots and lots of friends.  I discovered an abundance of compassion and love inside me that I had never known before.

I carried a great deal of guilt for the things I believed about other people, for the hateful way I derided their faith, their walk, and in some cases, their very existence.  Two groups of people stand out in my mind, Catholics and Homosexuals.

I had, at one time, carried an abundance of Chick tracts, specifically the ones for Catholics and gay men.  It never occurred to me back then that women could be gay too.  For anyone who has never seen these vile pieces of garbage, they are comic book-like little booklets that are meant as a salvation tool. What they actually are is propaganda and lies wrapped up in bible quotes and mock concern, and ending with the standard come to Jesus line.

Over the next years, I worked hard at changing me into someone I would want to be friends with.   I found places on the internet where I could be completely and totally myself.  I looked at it as an experiment.  No masks, nothing to hide behind.

My view of the political world changed, my view of other people changed, my view of myself changed.  It wasn’t instantaneous, in took years.  And then we moved to California.

I was only in the state a few months before I attended my first Pantheacon, a big Pagan convention held every February.  I found community there.  Community I never expected.  To this day, every year, walking into Pantheacon feels like going home.

It was in this community where I finally felt free to explore publicly the way my spiritual life had changed me.  Here I found a community of people who loved me regardless of my size, who told me I was beautiful…and said it in a way that I actually believed them.

It was within that community that I discovered that beauty and attraction have nothing to do with genitalia or self-expression of gender.  Up until this point in my life my sexual experience was very minimal, though I had a lot of theory and self-knowledge in that regard.

Then, to quote Katy Perry, I kissed a girl, and I liked it.  Although, to be fair, she kissed me and took me completely by surprise.  I did quite like it though.  Which surprised me more.

It was also a time of learning about my approach to relationships, to what I wanted and what I didn’t want.  I had long before decided that marriage was not for me, the list of reasons is very long and not for this entry.  I had always figured that would keep me from a serious relationship.

Then, along came poly.

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